The Me and We of Intimacy
Cultivating Connection with Ourselves and Others
“The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go.”
Intimacy (Into-Me-See)
Intimacy. Although we often use this word in reference to physical or sexual closeness, it also encompasses emotional, mental, and spiritual closeness.
Why is talking about intimacy so challenging? Because many of us have a fear of intimacy and lack the necessary vulnerability needed to let others truly see us. Peeling off the layers of protection we’ve built up and revealing the parts of ourselves we have worked so hard to shield can be as exposing as being naked in front of a lover for the first time.
But true intimacy in relationships is worth the effort if we address our fears and push past feelings of discomfort. Remember that intimacy isn’t just for people in a romantic or sexual relationship; it is a natural process that can occur between friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and relatives.
Getting up close and personal
Let’s talk about the different types of intimacy.
We already know about physical intimacy – actions like handholding, light touches on the arms or shoulder, cuddling, caresses, hugging, and kissing. All of these can help us feel close, supported, reassured, and build trust so that we feel safe with the other person. Sexual intercourse and foreplay are also part of this category but obviously do not occur in all relationships. Keep in mind that sex and intimacy are separate actions even though intimacy can be a valued part of sex. People can have sex together without engaging in intimacy just like all other relationships can have intimacy a part of them without there being a sexual element.
The heart communicates with emotions
Emotional intimacy involves taking risks to share our deeper feelings and thoughts with another person.
In turn, having our feelings validated and receiving empathy is essential to feel seen and heard and ultimately accepted without judgement. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) , emotions and attachments are at the core of relationships, and we tend to avoid sharing emotions because of distrust and not being comfortable with them.
This form of intimacy is arguably one of the most challenging types because it involves deep transparency and baring the most sensitive parts of yourself. Especially not easy in a society where displaying emotions like sadness is seen as weakness.
Time flies in the right company
Are you the type of person that loves to have those delicious late-night conversations about world affairs with a friend or having a stimulating discussion over coffee with a co-worker?
When we engage our intellect in this manner we are building mental intimacy with that person where we share our ideas and perspectives about life. We can also take the opportunity to challenge each other in understanding viewpoints in a different light. As long as we are using our active listening skills and keeping an open-mind, this kind of intimacy can be really effective at creating a sense of community, however, it can be one of the trickiest due to the diversity of perspectives each person has!
Share what lights you up
Spiritual intimacy is not solely about religion just like physical intimacy is not just about sex.
Religion can be a part of it, but spiritual intimacy speaks to the aspects of a shared journey that two people engage in whatever their relationship may be. It involves supporting each other in their growth and development, sharing their hopes and dreams together as well as beliefs on the purpose of life. In essence, coming together in opening up to the idea of something bigger than us and developing a connection to life and its energies.
Intimacy is self care
Love and live longer.
Healthy intimacy contributes towards healthy relationships which in turn benefit us by reducing stress, improved immune system function, and facilitating a more fulfilling, longer life where we take better care of ourselves. When we get some of our stress out of the way, we can get back to being our authentic selves and living with meaningful intention and purpose.
Intimacy is vital
Everyone needs a little tenderness.
Family therapist Virginia Satir was once noted for saying, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” Now before you go out canvassing everyone you know for a quick squeeze, understand that the point here is that consistent, daily physical touch is important. And to achieve that kind of intimacy in our relationships, we need to build trust and demonstrate openness as well as safety. There are also studies to suggest that physical contact and touch help us to feel less lonely in our lives.
Have a love affair with intimacy
How do we cultivate healthy intimacy in relationships?
Firstly, we need to look at the challenges. As we’ve said, there can be a lot of fears holding us back. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of being seen as weak, fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of burdening others, and so many more. Developing the courage and readiness to work through these fears is a crucial initial step to paving the way towards opening yourself to another person in a healthy and mutual way. This can be difficult, so it’s important to consider seeking the support of a professional to help you address these.
Emotional regulation and learning how to remain calm and grounded with another person helps to create safety for both which also helps to build and improve trust in the relationship.
Improving our communication skills is also essential as we can’t get closer to another person if we can’t tell them how we feel, what we’re thinking, what we need, or support the other person in turn. Being able to demonstrate empathy and respect by listening attentively and responding with an approach of curiousity rather than defensiveness can also go a long way to increase a sense of connection.
In essence, laying this groundwork helps bring down barriers and prepares ourselves to walk a journey of mutual understanding where we value each other and take care of our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs together. We also love this article from the Gottman Institute blog that shares some intentional practices to increase intimacy through mindfulness that we can participate in as individuals or couples.
How do we cultivate intimacy with ourselves?
Intimacy isn’t just for relationships; it can be a way to foster a deeper personal connection with yours truly. Following the different types of intimacy we outlined above here are some ways we can become closer with ourselves:
Connecting to our identity
Creating self-care rituals
Living authentically in alignment with our values
Physical and sensual touch with ourselves
Being kind to our bodies
Self-compassion and kindness
Learning new hobbies and having fun exploring our interests
Taking care of our health
Trusting ourselves and listening to our intuition
Slowing down and releasing expectations
How can a professional help with building intimacy?
Therapy can provide a safe and neutral space to work out disagreements by developing stronger communication skills and helping to understand one another on a more deeper level.
If you’re interested in seeing how we might be able to assist you with your health and wellbeing goals, we offer free 15 minute consultations.
Connect with us and let’s talk about how we can help you.
